I have to go home today. Back to my room with his stuff, where our life was happening, with the time teller on my computer saying how many days until I had him here. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet and I just don't know if I can get up this time. I've been strong the past few days laughing it off and telling myself I'm fine. I slept last night without the pills. I can't stand it anymore. I called my Aunt to tell her I just need a few days of silence at her house to be stronger again to know my life isn't over. I feel so crushed, so hurt so lost so I don't know. I'm here but I just its nothing I did, it's just the fact that I can not fix it, I can't heal it this time and that hurts me.

I feel sick, I've hardly eaten, my color is gone, my lips are faded, I just feel like inside I'm dead. I feel so dead.


But even if I've applied for more jobs than I can count and I told myself to turn over a new leaf and stand and fight for what will be better. What will make it better, what will make it all worth it.

I will not go away from him. I can not walk away. I can not abandon him.

I just have to figure out how to be that silent shadow without falling......


because today I've only been at the edge of tears a few times, but man .....




it just hurts


but im hanging in there


im trying to just stand

and so far its working



so far i am stronger then i thought i was


but it hurts more than i can express




War- something you can not fix




im so sorry i can not fix it